What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We were not on the streets..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

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My family never makes their pension either.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Why does a college girl cover her face with a scarf in Bangalore?

I write beautiful poetry .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

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I was 9 years of age.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Why would my nipples hurt when I touch them?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

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Thats was my nicest nick name for him

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

So whats the point in blame.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Who then, do I blame.?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

He knew the spot.

Why did i forgive my father ?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She wouldn,t have been !

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

All the time i was locked up.

I have no regrets .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Ive learnt so much.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

One cannot live in the past .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

She married twice! .

I never cut or harmed myself..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I said to her

I will be 64.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I waited trembling.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

So, i spoilt her more .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I was scared of men, in general

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But it wasn’t much.

I think the readers, may guess!

She was in good health!

I don,t even have a pension.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I was seconnd youngest,

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

This is soul school!.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Comes on , in middle age.

My life is so biszare .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

What did i know ?

Put me off passion for life!!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It was going to be , some day.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Especially a lifetime of it.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

When she asked me how she looked .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Would this be the day?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

She loved him until the end.

But, we were locked up after school.

I was very sick at this time too.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Im still living with it.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

She found it foreign!.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And who doesn’t know suffering?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

He resisted the act ,that day.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

As i do to all so called friends.?

We all went to grammer schools

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And i lived it daily.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!